It's a joke by the way, that's the ph. number for the time.
Jokes
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INEEDABEER
- Junior Member
- Posts: 429
- Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2007 8:38 pm
- Location: River Heads,QLD
Blonde joke
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porc h, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
Media Spin Doctor
A leather clad biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
Without hesitating, the biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl. The biker carries her to her terrified parents, who through tears of joy, thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my entire life."
The biker answered, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted out of instinct."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. By the way, what brand of motorcycle do you ride?"
"A Harley-Davidson", the biker says proudly. "I'm a member of HOG!" (Harley Owner's Group)
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the first page, in bold headlines:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT WHILE IN CUSTODY AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
Without hesitating, the biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl. The biker carries her to her terrified parents, who through tears of joy, thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my entire life."
The biker answered, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted out of instinct."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. By the way, what brand of motorcycle do you ride?"
"A Harley-Davidson", the biker says proudly. "I'm a member of HOG!" (Harley Owner's Group)
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the first page, in bold headlines:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT WHILE IN CUSTODY AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
Peter
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subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
The one about the lion is an oldie but a goodie..I heard it about a bronzed swimmer who kills a shark about to attack a child in the surf at bondi.
The newspaper man says "That's great, the headlines tomorrow will say,'Aussie hero saves child from killer shark'"
The chap says, "But I'm an englishman, here on holidays"
Next day the paper says, "Pommie bastard kills child's pet"
The newspaper man says "That's great, the headlines tomorrow will say,'Aussie hero saves child from killer shark'"
The chap says, "But I'm an englishman, here on holidays"
Next day the paper says, "Pommie bastard kills child's pet"
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd wom an: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd wom an: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothingKeeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to75 He pushes his luck.
'I want the house,' he says insistently..
Up to 80 . 'I want the car, too,' he continues85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85
mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'
The wife says nothingKeeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to75 He pushes his luck.
'I want the house,' he says insistently..
Up to 80 . 'I want the car, too,' he continues85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85
mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked upHe breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in yearsI saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, Don't complain... Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you, too!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in yearsI saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, Don't complain... Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you, too!
you know you're Australian if.....
Sorry guys - had to post this...
you know you're Australian if.....
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something legal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
15. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
16. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
17. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
18. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
19. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
20. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
21. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
22. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
23. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
you know you're Australian if.....
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something legal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
15. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
16. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
17. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
18. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
19. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
20. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
21. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
22. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
23. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
85 Leone RX EJ20T Rally Car - plus spare rolling shell
91 Facelift 2.2 GX 4WD Legacy - SOLD
96 RSB Legacy
91 Facelift 2.2 GX 4WD Legacy - SOLD
96 RSB Legacy
Haha that Aussie one is awesome. Except for the one about Bongs...obviously being a pot-head is part of being Australian??
EZ30 L series - Monsterwagon
https://www.ausubaru.com.au/viewtopic.php?f=71&t=26163
https://www.ausubaru.com.au/viewtopic.php?f=71&t=26163