Jokes
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"
And the husband replied
"Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the rissoles I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they aretoo tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her,
I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said",
"Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"
And the husband replied
"Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the rissoles I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they aretoo tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her,
I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said",
"Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
1999 Outback (some mods)
1989 Brumby (more mods)
Subaru - Symmetrical All-Wheel Drive
1989 Brumby (more mods)
Subaru - Symmetrical All-Wheel Drive
- BaronVonChickenPants
- General Member
- Posts: 1187
- Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Nowra, NSW
Chicken Armondi
1 large chicken
1 cup of bread crumbs
2 eggs
salt & pepper to taste
1 cup drained crushed pineapple
500 grams uncooked popcorn
1 cup diced onion
1 dessert spoon mixed herbs
FOLLOW DIRECTIONS CAREFULLY!
Mix all dry ingredients, add eggs & pineapple, stuff into chicken and skewer up the cavity.
Bake at 350F (180C).
Chicken will be found to be cooked when popcorn blows the arse out of the chicken and the door off of the oven.
1 large chicken
1 cup of bread crumbs
2 eggs
salt & pepper to taste
1 cup drained crushed pineapple
500 grams uncooked popcorn
1 cup diced onion
1 dessert spoon mixed herbs
FOLLOW DIRECTIONS CAREFULLY!
Mix all dry ingredients, add eggs & pineapple, stuff into chicken and skewer up the cavity.
Bake at 350F (180C).
Chicken will be found to be cooked when popcorn blows the arse out of the chicken and the door off of the oven.
To become old and wise, first you must survive being young and dumb.
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on an assailant.
The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun
--adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short,
I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a
batteries and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
and I'd know it was working. Awesome! !!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Am I wrong?? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your a ssailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to
one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be foun d, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-BITCH... that hurt
like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on an assailant.
The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun
--adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short,
I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a
batteries and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
and I'd know it was working. Awesome! !!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Am I wrong?? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your a ssailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to
one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be foun d, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-BITCH... that hurt
like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
- subybrumby
- Junior Member
- Posts: 870
- Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:03 pm
- Location: Toowoomba
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black.
So Johnny asks, Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?'
'What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father,' his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, 'Daddy, Am I more Jewish or more black?''What the hell kind of a question is that?
Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?' asks his dad.
'Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark.... and steal the f ... ingthing.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black.
So Johnny asks, Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?'
'What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father,' his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, 'Daddy, Am I more Jewish or more black?''What the hell kind of a question is that?
Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?' asks his dad.
'Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark.... and steal the f ... ingthing.
Peter
- Suby Wan Kenobi
- General Member
- Posts: 1914
- Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Sunny Godwin Beach Qld
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box
said
"2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box
said
"2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
The long road ahead
The long road ahead
Marriage part 1
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage part 2
Marriage (Part II)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
"I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
"I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
- Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
You're on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right is a sharp drop-off. On your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to pass it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you.
What must you do to get out of this HIGHLY DANGEROUS SITUATION ??
Get your drug fu*#'d arse off the merry-go-round.
What must you do to get out of this HIGHLY DANGEROUS SITUATION ??
Get your drug fu*#'d arse off the merry-go-round.
- Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
A young couple are on there first date when the young man asks his girlfriend to give him a hand job.
She replies "I have never done that before."
The boyfriend says "Remember when you used to shake a coke bottle and squirt your friends? Well it's the same as that."
So off she goes and after a while the boyfriend has got snot flying out of his nose and wax coming out his ears.
The Girlfriend asks "What's wrong?"
The boyfriend yells "Take your thumb of the f@##n end"
She replies "I have never done that before."
The boyfriend says "Remember when you used to shake a coke bottle and squirt your friends? Well it's the same as that."
So off she goes and after a while the boyfriend has got snot flying out of his nose and wax coming out his ears.
The Girlfriend asks "What's wrong?"
The boyfriend yells "Take your thumb of the f@##n end"
- Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked MR. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
1 little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over and kills him, that would be a "tragedy."
No," said RUDD, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained MR. RUDD "that's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
RUDD searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice, Johnny said: "If a plane carrying you was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed RUDD. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f.. king accident either!"
The teacher asked MR. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
1 little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over and kills him, that would be a "tragedy."
No," said RUDD, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained MR. RUDD "that's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
RUDD searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice, Johnny said: "If a plane carrying you was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed RUDD. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f.. king accident either!"
- Outback bloke
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2103
- Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:00 am
- Location: Morayfield - Queensland
- Contact:
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th
wedding anniversary when the wife says
'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time
I made a confession, before we were married I was a hooker for eight
years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes
and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I
cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a
few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said 'I don't think you understand,
my name was Brian and I played for the Dragons.
wedding anniversary when the wife says
'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time
I made a confession, before we were married I was a hooker for eight
years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes
and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I
cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a
few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said 'I don't think you understand,
my name was Brian and I played for the Dragons.