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chubby37
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doctors

Post by chubby37 » Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:36 am

Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.

WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.

WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure.

WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.

WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested.

WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.

WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional.

WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.

We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.

Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!
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life is like a game of cricket...at some time you will get hit in the nuts

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Subyroo
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Post by Subyroo » Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:52 pm

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

“ Ahhh....” she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart RS : Have you ever felt such a ****?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
Peter

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subybrumby
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Post by subybrumby » Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:17 pm

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

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Suberman
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Location: Melbourne

Hot Day

Post by Suberman » Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:20 am

Hehe, I know a few fence post turtles!

Anyways, it's a real scorcher of an afternoon up north.
A koala is slumped in the fork of a gum tree, slowly chewing leaves.
Coming down the track is a goanna, on his way to the billabong for
a drink.
He stops when he sees the koala," Hey mate, she's a hot one this arvo!"
Koala replies, " Yep."
Goanna says, " I'm goin' down to the billabong for a drink. You comin' ?"

Koala says," Nah, I'm right."

Goanna says, " Ok. I'll be back in a minute." and he goes off down to the billabong.

Just as he sticks his nose into the water for a drink, a huge crocodile
leaps on him, swallows him whole.
The croc thinks that was a nice snack, and starts off up the track looking for more food.
He comes to the tree the koala's in, sees the koala, stops, and grunts.
The koala looks down and says, " Jesus christ!! How much did ya drink?!!"
91 Liberty awd wagon, 2.2 efi, 5sp man., dual fuel, dual range, Outback Struts & KYB shocks, bashplate, converted spare wheel and bike carrier.[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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subybrumby
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Post by subybrumby » Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:51 pm

Heard this on the radio today ..thought it was great..I've added a subaru flavour!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This blonde chick is hurtling down the highway in her subaru WRX at a fast rate of knots and is pulled over by the Police. Wouldn't ya know it, the copper is a blonde bombshell as well.

The blonde cop ambles up to the drivers window of the rex and says to the blonde driver, "Show me your license please."

The sheila in the wrx say, "I'm not sure if I've got one, whats a drivers license look like?"

The blonde cop sheila says,"Its square with your photo on it"

The sheila in the wrx finds a square mirror in her bag and pulls it out, looks into it, sees herself and says, "Here it is" and passes it out to the blonde cop babe.

The blonde cop sheila looks into it and passes it back and says, "ok, you can go, you should have told me you were a Police Officer."

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Wilbur
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Post by Wilbur » Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:01 pm

Click and laugh, unless your a kiwi....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdVHZwI8pcA
There is only one thing you must do in your life. Everything else is a choice.

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Suby Roo
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Location: Mangalore

Post by Suby Roo » Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:32 pm

^_^ Im Beached bro!
'91 Legacy GT wagon, 2.35 turbo, td05-20g, 05sti spec c dccd 6 speed, 3 inch, front mount, power fc

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Gannon
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Post by Gannon » Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:08 pm

> After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive',
> Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama
> Bin Laden when elected."
>
> So, Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in his
> own
> handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
>
> Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
> 370H-SSV-0773H
>
> Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean. Dean and the DNC and
> his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden.
>
> Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.
>
> Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it. And within
> minutes McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply:
>
> 'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down.'
Current rides: 2016 Mitsubishi Triton GLS & 2004 Forester X
Ongoing Project/Toy: 1987 RX Turbo EA82T, Speeduino ECU, Coil-pack ignition, 440cc Injectors, KONI adjustale front struts, Hybrid L Series/ Liberty AWD 5sp
Past rides: 92 L series turbo converted wagon, 83 Leone GL Sedan, 2004 Liberty GT Sedan & 2001 Outback
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chubby37
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Location: IN HELL!!!or known as ipswich

Post by chubby37 » Tue Dec 23, 2008 6:32 pm

Marriage Quotes...

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ...

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

I married Miss Right ... I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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life is like a game of cricket...at some time you will get hit in the nuts

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subybrumby
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Post by subybrumby » Fri Jan 30, 2009 8:26 pm

Why girls can't work on cars? (Just a joke ladies)

[ATTACH]1388[/ATTACH]

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Outback bloke
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Contact:

Post by Outback bloke » Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:23 pm

Two hunters are out in the bush when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his mobile phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

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Subyroo
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Post by Subyroo » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:36 pm

This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.

She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".

He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"


:-D :-D :-D :-D
Peter

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Kappage
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Post by Kappage » Wed Feb 11, 2009 10:29 pm

yea i got that one in an email recently!

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Subyroo
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Post by Subyroo » Fri Feb 13, 2009 11:50 am

Kappage wrote:yea i got that one in an email recently!
Your not on my mailing list. :wink: :wink:

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
Peter

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rtcb65
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Post by rtcb65 » Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:12 pm

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size14-16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine.

3 Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba: Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."


Cooter
rtcb65
------------------
Redneck Rick.

1997 Gen 3 outback. GT forester wheels . Hopefully more changes to come. Proud Supporter And User of -----------C R O S S B R E D --- P E R F O R M A N C E ---- Products


[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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Outback bloke
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Post by Outback bloke » Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:00 pm

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'



He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

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subybrumby
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Post by subybrumby » Thu Mar 12, 2009 10:57 pm

A new manager arrives at a company determined to make a success and leave his mark. He will be ruthless. Cutbacks are necessary.

He walks down onto the shop floor amid the blue collar employees and see a bloke leaning against a wall.

"Here you!" he shouts. "How much do you get paid a week"

"400 bucks" was the reply.

The new manager reaches into his crisp white pressed shirt and brings out a wad of cash and peels of $1600 in new pressed notes, hands it to the fellow and says, "Here's a months pay, now you can piss off and don't come back."

The guy takes the money and goes.

The new manager feels pleased with himself feeling that he has made the necessary first impression on the workers. He swaggers over to them and they watch him in silence.

"So, what job did he used to do here?" he asks the crowd of workers who were eyeing him off.

"None" said one, "He's the pizza delivery guy. He just brought me my lunch."

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steptoe
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Post by steptoe » Fri Mar 13, 2009 1:19 pm

What is the quickest way to kill a city teenager ? Employ one !!

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Gannon
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Post by Gannon » Sat Mar 14, 2009 5:30 pm

Banking crisis - a word of caution!!!!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.
Current rides: 2016 Mitsubishi Triton GLS & 2004 Forester X
Ongoing Project/Toy: 1987 RX Turbo EA82T, Speeduino ECU, Coil-pack ignition, 440cc Injectors, KONI adjustale front struts, Hybrid L Series/ Liberty AWD 5sp
Past rides: 92 L series turbo converted wagon, 83 Leone GL Sedan, 2004 Liberty GT Sedan & 2001 Outback
------------------------------------------

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rob83ke70
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Post by rob83ke70 » Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:53 am

Got this one of rove last night.

There was an inflatable boy, who had an inflatable mum and dad, they lived in an inflatable house, all the furniture was inflatable. He went to an inflatable school, where all the students were inflatable, the classrooms were inflatable, the teachers were inflatable. He even had an inflatable dog.

One day, he got in trouble for bringing a pin to school. The principal said to him, "You've let me down, your teachers down, your friends down, your parents down, and yourself down..."

Robert.

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