Cars, women and freedom

[Tweety]

I’m 58 y.o. I owned 35 cars and 3 motorcycles before I was 25 y.o. I was free like the wind to do as I pleased. Then I got married. Kids came along. It isn’t the same as far as cars are concerned. No money see. I tried to keep the dreams alive, tried restoring a Mark 3 Ford Zephyr. But $2 spray cans don’t cut it and two years driving around without carpet drives you nuts. Then we split up. Anyone that has kids and pays child support cant afford losing the oil from the end of a Brumby dip stick let alone keep his hobby alive. Then the kids have grown up and flown the coup. By this time your worked body is tired and you are after that dream machine, the one that has eluded you all your life. But alas, you cant do without the muffin and you let her move in.

Of course it doesn’t take long before she has replaced your financial adviser. Before you now it you have to make an appointment to make a withdrawal. Ok you get the picture.

At this time I was flying radio control model airplanes. Good hobby if you don’t crash them. Then it gets expensive. She sat me down one night following the demise of my “batplane”. Yeh well it was a swing winged self designed airplane that batman flew and Robin parachuted out of. Flew for 2 minutes. It had electric motors and the speed controller over heated causing the balsa to catch fire. That plane cost me 300 bucks but watching it burn in the air was worth every cent. Anyway we sat down and she asked me how much I’d spent on my hobby in the previous 7 years. $11,000 I spat out. “are you proud of that loss” she blarped… “Well” I replied….”better than losing 35 grand on cigarettes”. She smoked....

Then one night around 2005 I watched Billy Connelly riding a trike owned by a guy called “Wolf” around Australia. I was hooked. This was after a total of 75 cars and 5 motorcycles graced my body where the sun don’t shine. Finally I had my dream machine- right there. And so the long job of convincing my girlfriend…defacto…liability….cant recall what she was really, that this was the last vehicle I wanted that WOULD satisfy me- commenced.
In the meantime I read up everything to do with trikes. Man, it was like some rare sexual experience that went on and on. Finally after 2 years of talking (pleading) she sat down, lit up one of those gold plated cigarettes and spoke the words that every man loves to hear….”I suppose it’s me…or the trike”.

Words never came, they didn’t need to. A short nod of my head to indicate that the trike won. The next day we had coffee. She said “well you’d better find a place to live”. With a smile on mi’ dial I replied “I’ve rented a place around the corner…”where’s the hand trolley I need help lifting the fridge”?

I ordered my Panther trike…..I still have it…..and I did eventually get married again to a ‘pearler’ of a girl. Before we got serious I took her into the shed to show her the yellow beast. It was like she was to one day be a step mum to that machine…she had to get along with it, wash it and polish it while I lie in a hammock, sipped Bundy’s and reflected on my truly last dream machine. After she’s finished her polishing we ride to some local café with a smile wondering what could have been had I not persisted in following my love for that trike….
Now that I’m retired I think I’ll build another batplane…one where Robin gets a chance to jump out of..

One other car I owned and was a favourite of all was a Datsun 2000 sports 1969 vintage. Its only flaw was heavy steering. Apart from that it was pitted against the MGB and was superior in all respects.

At a dancing group I spotted a nice short haired brunette with red lipstick. Red lipstick was well remembered as together with black hair, like Elizabeth Taylor, I fell in love immediately. So I asked her out.

I picked her up in Reservoir Melbourne on our way to Healesville Sanctuary (why there?- more on this later)....and we enjoyed the sun rising - a perfect day for a convertible so why not let the roof down.

This little convertible had two easy to release roof latches and in no time, before the lady could say "shit you should have warned me" it was down and the wind came through fast....so fast her hair took off and departed from her shiny head. Turns out she wore a wig and she was lucky to catch it. Bit like an elusive possum really. Anyway I was lucky to steer the Datsun to a halt without an accident and what did I do?

Ten minutes later I returned to the car....see she had been crying, not because of her wig or her embarrassment, but totally due to my hysterical uncontrollable laughter...I'd been on the ground behind the car and I couldnt stop.... we never got to the sanctuary. A mate later on told me the poor girl had a scalp disease. I needed warning on these things.

Now why the sanctuary? When I got to 27 years old I got fed up with paying for girls to take them out. That was the norm them days. Guys pay. These girls mostly had a professional job- nurse, teacher etc. And me- security guard, taxi driver etc. They also in conversation often mentioned they were saving all their money on their "glory box". It was time for a plan. I mean, how could I take a girl out and eliminate her from my black book of possible long term hopefuls in a manner that didnt cost me much money.?

Eventually the plan was devised. Take any girl out a maximum 3 times unless during those 3 dates they passed certain criteria. That criteria was- 1/ That she offered to pay for a meal...I mean 3 dates usually meant a minimum of 3 meals often more so why wouldnt a decent girl pay for one of them? 2/ she must show interest in either animals, children or both...this was more like a test of her kindness. and 3/ take her to a movie. The movie was cheap entertainment, again it gave her an opportunity to pay for the popcorn eh. But it should be a movie you have already seen...why? because the movie is a test of her emotional side- whether it fits with hers. eg. The movie at the time this plan was made was "purple rain" by Prince- the rock star. In that movie there is Prince and his father tries to commit suicide with a bullet to his head. At that scene and a few others I would turn to the girl in question and ask her if she is enjoying the movie. Over the course of four dates I got the following reactions.... 1/ "oh, he's black and I dont like black people" (I grabbed her hand left the movie and took her home and she was lucky I even did that- bitch) Number 2 date/ "I dont like him wearing purple" - fail! colour of clothing!!!! missed the point of the scene totally 3/ "I dropped popcorn down my front" Fail ...but I helped her find the popcorn 4/ "this is so sad, what a wonderful movie" - she won me...lets call her Carla

Carla was then taken on a country drive in the same Datsun convertible where she made positive observations of jumping lambs in the paddocks, birds above her head and echidnas on the side of the road. Date 2 a success. Date 3 was to the Williamstown beach. I made sure I got to the icecream van before she did to buy icecreams and also made sure I told her I felt real hungry as we passed a fish and chip shop at lunchtime. Bingo! "what say I buy us some fish and chips"? she asked.

"Why are you smiling" she asked. I told her one reason was I just had the biggest serve of fish and chips in my life! but the second reason I will tell her in a few months time. I found my future wife and knew I'd marry her.

Two children and 11 years later we split.

The moral of the story is- devise 3 more requirements to make that plan work life long. One of them should be a test of revengefulness......to do this play monopoly and make sure you win. Observe if she always remembers you winning and also...if she strives to own Mayfair. If at the end of the game she hugs you, tells you she loves you regardless of the games outcome then tosses you 100 bucks towards that EJ conversion...she's the one.

Good luck!

[PhilsWagon]

With a smile on mi’ dial I replied “I’ve rented a place around the corner…”where’s the hand trolley I need help lifting the fridge”?

I read this and spat my coffee on the table laughing!!

[Subrau]

Really enjoyed reading your real life story. You should write a book about it. Great job

[Silverbullet]

10/10 post Tony It's a lucky man who can find a girl who understands our illness- err I mean hobbies It's hard enough finding any person my age who'd build up a project on their weekends instead of getting completely smashed and starting fights over some strumpet.

[El_Freddo]

If at the end of the game she hugs you, tells you she loves you regardless of the games outcome then tosses you 100 bucks towards that EJ conversion...she's the one.

Good luck!

Good luck alright! You'd be lucky to find a girl that knows what an EJ conversion is! Or you'd have to be with them for long enough so they learn the lingo.

I reckon I've picked well - been allowed to get a brumby that's not really needed just further cements things!

And holy crap mate that's a lot of cars in such a short amount of time! I've had 4, and one of them was on loan to me from a mate...

Thanks for sharing Tony!

Cheers

Bennie

[Tweety]

glad you had reactions eh.

Subrau- I've written a book for publishing....that was an extract....

seriously..its called "Black Clouds Dancing". for another day

[steptoe]

Another of Tony's talents, telling a good tale, as it happened. Geesus, I was hoping it was not a suicide note .....

[d_generate]

Wow, similar story to mine, I'm 58 this year, my marriage lasted 11yrs, got 2 kids, owned about 60 cars and a few bikes but that's about where it ends, I've only ever let them sleep over and my rule is - yell at me once & I'll ignore it - twice and I'll warn you - three times and it's hit the road sweetie.....no questions asked, and I've done it three times that I can remember.

My last Aus gf lasted about 5yrs then decided she wanted to live together, get married and have a kid, if she wasn't 22yrs younger and such a useless mother to her daughter I would have maybe considered it, thank christ I didn't, last I heard she'd just dropped a sprog and dropped her new bloke at the same time hahaha.

[ozdog]

That plane cost me 300 bucks but watching it burn in the air was worth every cent.

:p:p

[Tigger]

Great story

In my house it's me asking my Husband if we can purchase new cars and do mods - how does that work

[Tweety]

ummm...Tigger....ummmm - got me!

you two have a role reversal going on there eh. Good to see.

[El_Freddo]

In my house it's me asking my Husband if we can purchase new cars and do mods

THAT'S AWESOME!

Cheers

Bennie

[Wooster]

Married two Queenslanders, kept one!, She is my Minister of War & finance and is a firm believer that boys must have toys!. She's also the lead foot in the team, 81 HV SLE parked up in the shed & her day drive is 2010 RX Impreza hatch, she'd like a WRX but is at this stage focused on major extensions to the house. Apart from being a maroons supporter shes a gem and has come to realise that living in Paradise (Woolgoolga) has it all over Qld